12.7.06

mind or heart?

MIND: Stay in England, get a decent amount of work experience behind you in your field. You've only got 2 years commercial experience and because you've took a year off to travel people find you a tad risky to employ. As well as that, you dont have University education behind you, you are young and therefore must be unreliable.

HEART: What am I doing here in this country I've begun to hate? Why dont I just leave and try and make a go of it in another country - Japan - I've got nothing to lose so far. After all, Japan seemed to give me more opportunities in life than my native country of England. Why am I wasting my time trying to build up a career here when nobody is willing to give me a chance? Im currently in a job I dont want to do thats burning away all my time.

MIND: But if I follow my heart and fail, I will become a greater risk to employ in England. This silly girl who keeps flitting off to Japan and back - how long will she be in this company for, after all, she hasnt been in any company much over a year.

HEART: But, everyday is such a bore and I feel like I'm turning into a freak. I work 9-6, regularly watch Japanese TV, make Japanese meals or listen to Japanese music whilst studying Japanese. Somethings wrong. I'm loosing touch with England. At least in Japan I felt at one with England. My manager sits beside me at work, moaning about the geek who keeps playing tacky japanese pop on the stereo. "He never plays my music. We all moan about his music, I mean, come on, who else wants to listen to that crap?!" he says. "What kind of music do you like?" he then says. My mind races for an answer. ...I cant say I like Ketsumeishi, nor can I say I like Kobukuro... He then makes a comment that refers to Big Brother. Its like he's talking another language. He walks away bored - I'm no fun to talk to. Why dont I just go to Japan where at least I know what everyone is going on about and if I dont, thats OK, its cos I'm a gaijin.

MIND: You cant go to Japan yet anyway - not until youve passed JLPT2. You'll have no chance of getting a job without it.

HEART: But, wont I learn Japanese quicker in Japan?

MIND: Whats the rush? If you rush into things they'll turn sour, and you may not have the opportunity to do it again.

Is it as though I'm trying to:
a) find excuses to go to Japan; or
b) find excuses not to go to Japan?

Tell me, cos I'm losing my marbles here.

Up until December 2005, my whole life was planned.
1987-2000=school.
2000-2002=college.
2002-2003=crap job
2003-2004=good job
2004-2005=Japan
...now Im not in control anymore. My fate lies in the hands of whoever will employ me. And, unfortunately, I think Ive fallen into the wrong hands. But, theres no ladder letting me out and no safety net below.

5 件のコメント:

Nick さんのコメント...

Hi Karen

Very interesting post! Your thoughts about England & Japan seem so similar to mine. You seem to be doing the same weighing up in your mind like i did when i was trying to decide what to do in the future. Of course you have a lot more experience than me though, maybe theres some different thoughts after being in Japan for a year :)

Anyway, i think that these feelings you have are not going to go away over time... your desire to return to japan is probably going to get stronger i think as time passes.

So i guess the question is, what are you going to do ? As you said getting the JLPT 2 is going to be a big bonus. So waiting until then seems like the best option. Maybe by the time you get that yours thoughts will be clearer?

Some guy i go to work with is in a similar situation, he wants to move to the USA, and hes not sure about it, hes not sure whether he wants to take that risk. Basically my advice to him was to list all the advantages and all the disadvantages, and as soon as you realise there are more advantages, just go for it! It will leave you with no doubt that you are making the best decision. It might eat at you if you dont try. You will regret if you dont at least try :)

Anyway I think you know the risk is worth it :) The reward is worth it!

Make it happen :)

Nick

Nick さんのコメント...

..or the other opion is maybe consider university

Nick

匿名 さんのコメント...

In the long run you stand to gain more by leaving this little island than by staying. The long run is what matters in the end, as the long run is in itself the end. I am adamant that even your perceived failures of going shall not pass and even if they do they will not be as bitter and long lasting as those if you stay here.

Better to have tried and failed than never tried. Better to have loved and lost love than to have never loved.

Life boils down to a few simple things, one of them is that (ying/yang, light/dark, good/evil), sounds strange? Then think about this, all your actions in life are based on two feelings, dislike and like. You do things because you enjoy them, and avoid others because you dislike them. Pain and Pleasure.

Just think of those two things and see what long term solutions it brings you too.

・宇宙の男・

karekora さんのコメント...

Hi Nick & 宇宙の男 :)

Thanks for your comments! I guess everyone goes through the same line of thinking huh? Its true my feelings are going to go away, and no matter how much I want to just jump on a plane now, Im not letting myself. Seeing as Im not interested in going to Uni, the only other option to greaten my chances in Japan is JLPT2. I cannot go to Japan without it. This is the target I have to achieve. I have to achieve it soon too - if I want to obtain another Working Holiday Visa in time. So, I just got to be hard with myslef and put my head down and study. Its just frustrating that the jump between JLPT3 & 2 is soooooo large.. :(

During this study hard time, Ill also obviously be working in the UK - therefore getting job job experience behind me. Ill also be saving.

So, if I ever talk like this again, just shove this comment in my face. Its not sensible to go yet. Id only make a pigs-ear of it all, and come home regreting I went too soon!

So, yeah... I wish I was more of the studious type.. japanese textbooks bore me... >_<

Nick さんのコメント...

keep studying for your Japanese test Karen, then go to Japan. It will be worth it. Do it sooner rather than later.

Otherwise you will just go by year by year thinking what you are thinking now.