MIND: Stay in England, get a decent amount of work experience behind you in your field. You've only got 2 years commercial experience and because you've took a year off to travel people find you a tad risky to employ. As well as that, you dont have University education behind you, you are young and therefore must be unreliable.
HEART: What am I doing here in this country I've begun to hate? Why dont I just leave and try and make a go of it in another country - Japan - I've got nothing to lose so far. After all, Japan seemed to give me more opportunities in life than my native country of England. Why am I wasting my time trying to build up a career here when nobody is willing to give me a chance? Im currently in a job I dont want to do thats burning away all my time.
MIND: But if I follow my heart and fail, I will become a greater risk to employ in England. This silly girl who keeps flitting off to Japan and back - how long will she be in this company for, after all, she hasnt been in any company much over a year.
HEART: But, everyday is such a bore and I feel like I'm turning into a freak. I work 9-6, regularly watch Japanese TV, make Japanese meals or listen to Japanese music whilst studying Japanese. Somethings wrong. I'm loosing touch with England. At least in Japan I felt at one with England. My manager sits beside me at work, moaning about the geek who keeps playing tacky japanese pop on the stereo. "He never plays my music. We all moan about his music, I mean, come on, who else wants to listen to that crap?!" he says. "What kind of music do you like?" he then says. My mind races for an answer. ...I cant say I like Ketsumeishi, nor can I say I like Kobukuro... He then makes a comment that refers to Big Brother. Its like he's talking another language. He walks away bored - I'm no fun to talk to. Why dont I just go to Japan where at least I know what everyone is going on about and if I dont, thats OK, its cos I'm a gaijin.
MIND: You cant go to Japan yet anyway - not until youve passed JLPT2. You'll have no chance of getting a job without it.
HEART: But, wont I learn Japanese quicker in Japan?
MIND: Whats the rush? If you rush into things they'll turn sour, and you may not have the opportunity to do it again.
Is it as though I'm trying to:
a) find excuses to go to Japan; or
b) find excuses not to go to Japan?
Tell me, cos I'm losing my marbles here.
Up until December 2005, my whole life was planned.
...now Im not in control anymore. My fate lies in the hands of whoever will employ me. And, unfortunately, I think Ive fallen into the wrong hands. But, theres no ladder letting me out and no safety net below.