Homesick at home?

I got a parcel today from Japan. It was from a few friends who had grouped together and packed a small box up with lots of little things - not really presents as such - more like food, sweets, photos, music, memorabilia etc. They each had written me a personal letter - mainly in Japanese with a few random English words thrown in.

It made me want to cry.

I miss my life in Tokyo so much.

But I just feel like an outsider - nobody is here that I can relate to anymore. I try to talk to my sister but she just replies "Oh, yeah, but your home now. There's nowhere like home, right? You've couldnt live in Japan forever could you!?" True. I couldnt. But that dont help me now. I cant explain to her or anyone why I miss Tokyo or why I dont want to live in London. I just cant find the right words.

I hate my job here - the one I searched for high and low for months on end - , I hate my job prospects, -not that I had any in Japan either, mind! - and my best friend is going away today - her flight left 20minutes ago - to go and live in Hong Kong. She's only got a year Visa, but she's hoping to stay for a lot longer for that. Maybe forever. Another friend lost to Asia.

I saw a Private Japanese Tutor today for a trial lesson. He gave me a easy test to do - how do you say "yesterday"? etc. He said I should start my learning with him by using the 'Japanese for Busy People Book 2' book. I took a look at it. I know this stuff I thought, not being show-offy, just truthful. I told him politely. His reply was "Maybe but practise is always good. Thats what learning a language is about - practise." True, but I dont want to pay 29pounds for a book, and 15pounds an hour for a lesson with you to...REVISE. I can revise for free in my own time. I wanted a teacher to ... teach me, not help me revise. I know that theres so much still I have to learn with Japanese, its not as though I know everything and all thats left to do is revise. I dont know, I might see how it goes, might get better. I just am unsure whether its really classes I need.

As I'm rushing to work everyday, coming home, eating, watching tv, being a volunteer translator, jogging with friends, meeting friends, learning Web Design, reading books, going to the cinema, watching Japanese TV... My days are full and I enjoy it. But theres a hole in my life thats making me unhappy.

Maybe its seeing yet another friend disappear into Asia with only a random email and phone call for contact. Maybe its the package I got today. Maybe its the disappointment of my job. Maybe its I'm expecting too much from London. Maybe I'm compairing too much.

Or, maybe its just that I want to go back to Japan.

4 件のコメント:

Nick さんのコメント...

yeah i find its hard to find people who are interested in Japan, well, especially hard to find people who live near you. Other people just dont understand :P.

karekora さんのコメント...

Its not that I cant find people who like Japan so much, more that I can't find people who are honest to themselves & treat others with respect. This is what I think gets me down about living in London. The respect has been lost & I feel more like a foreigner here than I ever did in japan. >_< Not that that even bothers me. More peoples attitudes. I dont know whats going on in my mind, I dont know why I'm feeling down at the moment, I think I'll feel better when I find the solution to the problem! And I dont think the solution is going back to Japan.

匿名 さんのコメント...

Blame the atsui tenki, for your down genki. So just to let you know, remember you're sugoi.

On a non cheesy rhyme note. It is really great that you have good friends that send you gifts and that are thinking about you. Friends are the family we choose, and true friends are rare.

The feeling of not belonging in a place is a strange and disheartening to say the least. I guess one day it just all falls into place in ones life, or at least that is what I tell myself. (^_^)

A question for you. What new web designing skills are you currently learning?

karekora さんのコメント...

@anonymous - haha! I know it doesnt show that I'm learning Web Design just by looking at this site!! >_<

I'm at the end of my course now, I learnt HTML, Dreamweaver, Flash & Fireworks. I think I'm OK-in-a beginners-way in Dreamweaver & Flash, but my course was more technical based rather than Design based, so I'm still to learn what you should & shouldnt do on a website.

Its hard to get a job opportunity without commercial experience though. :(

& thanks for your kind words too ^^ I called the friends who sent me the package on Sunday & I feel more sorted out in my head now. Dont know why, just do!