2 years ago I was making plans to leave Japan. I chose to leave 2 months early. Not that I wanted to go, more that I couldnt handle my job anymore. More precisely, I couldnt handle my boss. The students were great. I didnt want to go home, but I couldnt stay without a job.
It was at this time of mixed feelings I became a company "pet gaijin". Some gaijin's resent being a 'pet gaijin', others delve in it to the extent they start to believe they are 'special'. Me, I was just glad of the opportunity to stay in Japan. I was doing a job with more hours and less pay, but strangely I enjoyed it lots more, I liked the people I was working with, and I'm strangely embarrassed to say that it was my best time in Japan. I was normal. Doing normal things. With a normal job.
Some people think that me coming to Japan alone to live for a year was a brave thing to do. Coming is easy. When you come you have nothing to loose. The life you had in your home country will still be there when you return. Coming is nothing. Its leaving thats hard. Leaving breaks your world. When you leave you have everything to loose. You know that you will never have this life back again, and you dont know when you'll be able to come back to visit again. Coming back is even harder. You see the life you once had. You see your friends. You see how things have changed. Even though you are happy to see your friends, you know that once again, you dont know when the next time will be. When you come back you have to leave again. You have to say goodbye all over again. And yet this is what I want. I want to do this all over again.
I want to start a life only to loose it again.
I must be insane.
Why am I causing myself to feel these feelings again?
Today I let my feelings take over. I cried.
Why do I want to start a life only to loose it again?
2 件のコメント:
M_x
If the time you have in Tokyo is more enjoyable than if the time was spend in london, then you should do it. Forget about afterwards. Think too much about afterwards and you never do anything. If the joy overweighs the pain, it can be overridden.
gambatte!
thanks for the comment m=x. i was reflecting too much on the past on that day... I know that this is what i want to do, even though it does mean ill have to say goodye again. i was scared that this month was going to be a repeat or in competition with 2005, but it wasnt. it made memories of its own and I enjoyed it for different reasons. If i come for an internship it will be a completely different experience again.
thanks
コメントを投稿