It all went a bit pear shaped...

I feel like shit.
I have that same strange feeling in my stomach that I had 2 years ago. Unfortunately it isn’t a reoccurring bug. And I dont even have the excited butterflies in my stomach.

I finally had to get my but in gear today and tell work I was leaving. Why? They called me into the board room and said “Karen, we have been very happy with the level of work that you have produced here so far. We are pleased to say that we have all come to the conclusion that we would like to offer you a permanent position after your contract ends in November.”

...silence.

I smile awkwardly.

This is what I would’ve wanted them to say a month ago. I’m happy that they do say it. But I hate myself for letting it get this far. On Monday this week, as soon as I got confirmation from the University, I resolved I’d tell work. But on Tuesday, all the directors came down from the Leeds office and most people were tucked away in the board room having meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. Yep, in short I chickened out, but it was practically impossible too seeing as they were all in the little board room, talking about, ...well, amongst other things, me.

So, fast forwarding, this morning they offer me a fulltime job, which I turn down by saying no, I’m quitting. Imagine the look on their faces! I admit I did have to bite myself to stop myself from laughing. (how cruel am i?!) So, for the rest of the day I get the silent treatment, the usual when you say you are resigning. But this time I feel bad.

My first job, I left for more money and a more exciting job, the 'usual' I guess.
My second job, I left to go to Japan.
This time I’m leaving because... of what? A dream? To go backwards?

I went to lunch and cried. I regretted my decision.

I hated it here at first, but its not so bad now. They’ve given me a lot. I’m 80% sure Id still be unemployed now if it weren’t for this opportunity that was, admittedly, so very boring.
Boring, but safe. Boring, but productive.

I’m going into an unknown world far more scary to me than travelling half way across the world alone to live in a strange country where I don’t know anyone and cant really speak the language. Back then I was sad to leave, but the excitement of the future over rid that. All I have now is fear. Will it be a big mistake or will I pull it off? 50/50.

If I fail, I’ve messed up big time.
If I fail Im in deep shit.
If I hate it, I’m in deep shit.

I’m throwing away what Artworking future I had by signing up for Graphic Design.
Artworkers hate Graphic Designers.
If you’ve got a Graphic Design degree, wave goodbye to Artworking.

Dont get a wrong. In my heart I know I've made the right decision. Im happy to be moving forward into a hopefully more interesting future. Still scares me though.

Todays 'The London Paper' summed up how I feel.
"Its easy to day-dream, but it takes guts to actually leave your job and your safety net salary."

..too right.